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Meat Movement

So, I got to visit the Norton Simon Museum with new steampunk friends from Brass Goggles. It was a grand time, but we noticed something queer about the still-life paintings: despite the plethora of fruits and vegetables, almost none of the paintings showcased meat! It was distressing! Clearly, something needs to be done to remedy the lack of meat in still-lifes.

We need to begin the meat movement in art. I'm not much of a painter, but I'll do my best to convince others to start incorporating some nice cuts of beef and such into their works. Hell yes.

Man, I'm the best carnivore ever.

Things!

Today, May 25th, is Towel Day. During Towel Day, fans of Douglas Adams' literature show their dedication by toting a towel all day long. I am participating, of course.

Tomorrow, May 26th, is the day of the Los Angeles Steampunk Mini-Convention. Again, I will be going to this event. That'll be fun. It's also the day of my school's prom (I'm not going), a cubing competition in San Diego (I wish I could go, but steampunk takes precedence!) and a joint birthday celebration for all the May birthdays (I'm pretty sure I have to go to this one).

June 1st marks the beginning of Script Frenzy. I and a partner intend to write a 20,000 word screenplay by the end of the month.

July 14th is Bastille Day. I have no idea why I included it in this list of days.

Oh man, this is awesome.

I get to co-conduct an interview of Heather Joseph-Witham, the Mythbusters Folklorist, professor at Otis, urban legend expert, tree-cosplayer, and all-around interesting gal. This is gonna be sweet.

Some things I learned from simple research:

• Her last name is not pronounced WHIT-ham like I had assumed but rather WITH-hum.


• Her name is misspelled on the title tags of her own web page. That's kind of sad. I hope someone fixes it post-haste.


• Though it appears in this picture that Ms. Joseph-Witham is cosplaying as a tree, she is in fact a vampiress. Truth be told, I never would have guessed that.


• In 1993, she presented a paper to the American Folklore Society that mentions an Indian Jewish community in L.A. I must learn more about these people. Indian Jews! Everyone knows that us Jews are complete wusses when it comes to spicy food! I'm amazed they haven't starved yet, or exploded from curry overload.

That's all I got for now. Man, this is gonna be fun.

Latest idea: Book Gashapon

Right. Imagine a capsule-toy machine that distributes little books. They'd be short and small, printed cheaply to cut down on costs (because who wants to pay upwards of 50¢ for anything that comes out of a toy machine?). There is potential for a huge variety of stories to print, which would expand the consumer's reading horizons. Oscar Wilde, Jonathan Swift, Snorri Sturluson, or...dag, I can't think of anyone right now. Pretend there's a much longer, more varied list in the previous sentence.

So, let's imagine that you get a book. We'll name it something completely at random: Schmuthering Schmeights by Schmemily Schmrontë. Now, let's imagine that you don't like the book. What do you do? You buy another book, hopefully one that's not a total piece of crap! After all, it's only another 50¢.

My mind today

Here is what my homework planner looked like for today. I love being me.

Books!

I finally convinced myself to finish The Lungfish, the Dodo, and the Unicorn: An Excursion into Romantic Zoology (revised edition) by Willy Ley. I love this book because it's intriguing, insightful, delightful, and well-written. One of the reasons I wanted to finish the book was so that I could more singularly focus on another esoteric-history book. The one I am talking about is Riddles in History by Cyrus H. Gordon. It's about strange runes in strange places, undeciphered inscriptions, and pre-Colombian settlements in the New World. From what I've read so far (the first three pages), it seems pretty good. However, the author is pro-Semitic to an obnoxious degree which is not too surprising, because his middle name is "Herzl" for cryin' out loud. Anyway, back in the 60s, he proposed that a tablet found somewhere in the American Southwest was written in a Hebrew script (instead of the generally-accepted Cherokee script theory) and used this to go off on a lifelong rant that the Jews had settled in the New World in the 600s anno domini. I don't expect to believe much of what this man expounds in his book; after all, he clings to the thought that the Vinland Map is genuine.

Another brilliant idea

First there was "punk." Then there was "cyberpunk." Then came "steampunk." After that came a bazillion other "-punk" genres, none of which have more than a handful of stories or what-have-you, and few of which have anything to do with punk at all (but that's okay). What differentiates the "-punks" are the settings: location, time period, and people involved. Dieselpunk takes place in the 40s, peatpunk chronicles the anachronistic adventures of Vikings, transistorpunk probably has something to do with radios...there's one called heliumpunk too, but I have no idea what that's about....

See? It gets confusing quickly. No one can remember all the "-punks," especially when many of them are just ideas that have no literary base for themselves. We need a place to catalogue all of them!

Enter Anachronismopedia. It's a single huge image map, a timeline that covers 8000 years of human existence. Every "-punk" is marked by when it begins and ends, and one can click the name of the "-punk" to be taken to a page that describes that genre in more detail. I've already started working on this, so no one steal it!

Viva...breadfruit?

I am jonesing for some breadfruit. This is a dilemma, because breadfruit quite literally does not exist at this latitude (a fact you may recall from a prior post, Viva Potato). There are many factors standing in the way of me getting fresh breadfruit in the comfort of my own home: climate, productivity, resource efficiency, economic soundness, and public awareness.

CLIMATE: Man, I wish I wasn't an uninformed pleb when it came to horticulture. Given enough time, horticulturists could solve the issue of temperature tolerance lickity-split. The Incas did it with potatoes, which formerly only lived in the chilly chilly Andes and can now tolerate warm, humid climes. Why can't we do the same with breadfruit, except backwards? It would probably take significantly longer than it did with potatoes, because breadfruit trees take more than a few growing seasons to come to maturity. However, this is only more motivation to get started right now!

PRODUCTIVITY: This is another horticultural problelm. Breadfruit trees produce fruit year-round, but there is one major growing season in which they yield far, far more produce. I dunno. There has to be some way to change the seasonality of the plants to make them produce lots of fruit year-round. An alternative route would be to buy breadfruit from the other hemisphere; that's how we manage to get succulent plums, cherries, and other super-seasonal fruits all year.

RESOURCE EFFICIENCY: How much water and soil will the breadfruit trees require? Most likely they will demand far more of each resource (compared to yield) than other produce trees, like orange trees or cherry trees. Of course, part of this is because breadfruits are so much larger than oranges or cherries, and the tree only produces a few at a time instead of dozens.

ECONOMIC SOUNDNESS: Will financiers rush towards this venture or will they balk at the risks? I have no idea; ask them, not me. Next topic!

PUBLIC AWARENESS: No matter how much I say, most of you are probably still wondering what the hell a breadfruit actually is. This is a problem. If I could somehow inform the world of the greatness of the breadfruit tree, then it would surely gain popularity and make this a worthwhile venture that will bring joy to people worldwide!

Holy crap, I can't believe I used the phrase "lickity-split." That's seriously weird.

Another Brilliant Idea

I'm going to invent a new kind of breakfast ceral. All the pieces are shaped like noses. I shall call it Cereal de Bergerac.



I know I've mentioned this to a lot of people, so it's kind of a cop-out, but I've an excuse! This was written on the 24th, but I got distracted by the ULWPP.

Borrowing a page from Bislama

(I told this idea to about a dozen people already today, but I think it's so great that I need to share it even more.)

In the English language, questions with negative modifiers are terribly open-ended. A straightforward question is "Have you heard the news?" This question can be answered in two ways with two distinct meanings:

"Yes, your statement is true and I have heard the news"
"No, your statement is false and I have not heard the news."

However, if one adds a negative modifier, making the question "Haven't you heard the news?" there are suddenly four ways to answer:

"Yes, your statement is true and I have not heard the news."
"No, your statement is false and I have heard the news."
"Yes, I have heard the news. Your statment is false."
"No, I have not heard the news. Your statement is true."

This generates confusion and inevitably requires some level of clarification. This question-response process needs streamlining, and Bislama knows how to do it!

Bislama, as you may recall, was created by people who though English was nutty enough as it was already, and created a rather minimalist language that simplified many of English's intricacies. One of the ways they did this was by changing how people respond to questions. A standard question, like in English, can be answered in two ways: Yes and no. However, to eliminate the ambiguity of English questions with negative modifiers, one would instead answer with si or no. Personally, I'd change no to something else, like na or ni, but the first one might still be confusing and the other is actually used as a weapon by some knights.

Anyway, "si" is used to mean "Yes, I have done the action asked and your statement is false," while "no" means "No, I have not done the action asked and your statement is true." If we adopt these practices today, we can end ambiguity tomorrow! Or maybe the day after tomorrow! Or some time after that!

Oh my god, it's finally happening.

Ladies and gentlemen, if I may, I'd like to direct your attention to what may end up being our collective doom.

Let's try to imagine a scenario where chimpanzees have basic rights, like owning land and collecting a paycheque. What happens next? Soon the gorillas (both mountain and lowland varieties) will demand their equal rights. Then come the other apes--orangutans, gibbons, and bonobos. And then the monkeys will start screeching for their justice! Spider monkeys, tamarins, macaques! Soon we'll be surrounded by angry aye-ayes pointing their creepy prolonged middle fingers at us, while they holler in protest of being put down by "The (hu)Man." Of course, by that time, the chimps will start to demand more rights, like voting and getting a driver's licence. THEN the others will start doing the same. Once all the primates can vote and drive, what's next? Pretty soon we'll have a sprig of parsley running for president. Hey, that's actually not a bad idea. It could certainly get on the Green Party ticket.

Athanasius Kircher and his creepy, creepy fan club.

Each word in this post is a link to an interesting article from the Athanasius Kircher Society's website. That's 46 pages for you to read. This should provide you with a hell of a lot of reading material for the coming days. It's a great place.