Oh my god, it's finally happening.

Ladies and gentlemen, if I may, I'd like to direct your attention to what may end up being our collective doom.

Let's try to imagine a scenario where chimpanzees have basic rights, like owning land and collecting a paycheque. What happens next? Soon the gorillas (both mountain and lowland varieties) will demand their equal rights. Then come the other apes--orangutans, gibbons, and bonobos. And then the monkeys will start screeching for their justice! Spider monkeys, tamarins, macaques! Soon we'll be surrounded by angry aye-ayes pointing their creepy prolonged middle fingers at us, while they holler in protest of being put down by "The (hu)Man." Of course, by that time, the chimps will start to demand more rights, like voting and getting a driver's licence. THEN the others will start doing the same. Once all the primates can vote and drive, what's next? Pretty soon we'll have a sprig of parsley running for president. Hey, that's actually not a bad idea. It could certainly get on the Green Party ticket.