Science has managed to quantify nearly everything. Heat, light, vibration, even colour hue and intensity. One thing that hasn't been quantified, however, is entertainment. It's never been done before. However, sometime last month someone finally made headway in this field. The entire body of research can be seen here.
Catpennies. IT'S BRILLIANT! Finally we have a way of measuring how much fun we're having. For example, the conversation I had about Luxembourg today was about 100 catpennies, or one decacatpenny. It would be easier to call that a "catdollar," but I can't do that. You'll see why two paragraphs down.
If we now can measure units of fun, how do we measure units of dullness? The obvious answer is something mildly sucky. It has to be about as sucky as a catpenny is fun. The best thing I can come up with is losing a quarter. One lostquarter is equal to negative one catpennies. Waiting at the baggage claim in LAX is close to 50 lostquarters (unless you have a Game Boy, in which case it is about 20 catpennies.)
Unfortunately, I suspect that science will be unkind to the names "catpenny" and "lostquarter." To make this system of measures accepted by science, the names must be changed. The easiest way to do this would be simple abbreviations, like "cap" and "losque." Sadly, this also means that 100 catpennies cannot equal one catdollar. If it did, then the unit of measurement would have to change to "cad" and that would make no sense. Instead, it will have to be a "decacap."
Actually, caps and losques might make more sense than the originals. If I were to use catpennies, catnickels, catdimes, catdollars, and so forth, this would cause great problems when converting to lostquarters. Since 1 catpenny is equal to 1 lostquarter, 1 catdollar is equal to 25 lostdollars. This would quickly become confusing.
Now, go out in the world and embrace this system! Make sure to live every day to the fullest! Try and have a million-cap day!
