Wednesday, April 4, 2007

Several letters that I wrote while touring colleges on the east coast

An open letter to all residents of Baltimore, Maryland

Dear residents of Baltimore, Maryland:


This is a turn signal. Use it.

I am serious, residents of Baltimore, Maryland. This is a problem. You have this wonderful highway system, much better than L.A.'s. It's a highway system with a rational layout, one that doesn't look like it was designed by a blind chimpanzee, and you are using it irresponsibly. I am distraught by the lack of signalled turns. pI was watching traffic on the highway for over an hour and saw two people signal when changing lanes. TWO. Y'all signal turns at intersections, so you obviously know how to use your turn signals. Now it's only an issue of making you actually freaking use them.

Here's a primer: When changing lanes to the left, use your left turn signal. When changing lanes to the right, use your right turn signal. The end.

Seriously, how hard is that? I may not be very familiar with the East coast, but I know this isn't the norm. I did not witness anything this horrible when in Washington, or even in NYC. You've got to clean up your act. Think of the children, residents of Baltimore, Maryland. Thanks for listening. Please take my advice to heart.

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A letter to the Baltimore World Trade Centre, Baltimore, Maryland

Dear Baltimore World Trade Centre:

I can't help but notice that you have a North Korean flag among the hundreds of flags in your lobby. Why is this, Baltimore World Trade Centre? I highly doubt you do any world trade with North Korea. Please either remove the North Korean flag or at least move it to a less prominent position than the middle of the flag-display. Thanks.

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An open letter to all residents of Albany, New York


This is a car gas pedal. Use it.

I know your fine city is sort of close to Canada, but you have to remember that it's not in Canada. When a speed limit sign says "35," that number is not 35 kph. I know it is lamentable that we are still using the Imperial system of measurement, but we are, and you have to use the Imperial system while here. Please increase your speed by approximately 61% to ensure that you obey our speed signs. Thank you.