In the news last week, some sports fans went crazy-go-nuts over the results of a match.
That's a really vague statement. I could be talking about any sport, in any part of the world. However, I am talking about cricket, which is a terribly dull sport, and the crazy-go-nuttiness of which I speak involved one death, several resignation-tenderings, and the leader of Pakistan.
Yes, Pakistan is pissed because their national team shockingly lost to the Irish team on Tuesday. Now I'm going try and relay what happened to you folks. This may be difficult, because honestly I have no idea what the hell happened.
Anyway, on Saint Patrick's Day, Ireland and Pakistan played a game of cricket for the Cricket World Cup. Pakistan is a dominating force in cricket, and the entire nation takes the game very seriously. Pakistan's leader, General Pervez Musharraf, is even one of the people on the team's board of directors. Ireland's team, meanwhile, is made up of plucky, mildly inebriated dudes, most of whom only play cricket as a hobby. Seriously. This is the first world cup Ireland has competed in, while Pakistan has competed in all of them, which is like a billion games total. As cliché as it sounds, there was some Luck of the Irish that day. Pakistan lost. To Ireland. And then, overzealousness kicked in.
Protests broke out around the city of Islamabad. Citizens burned effigies of players, coaches, and the chief of the board of directors (not Musharraf). Letters and phone calls poured into the team management, news agencies, and the government, demanding that heads roll for the shame. Consequently, the board of directors asked for letters of resignation from their own chief, Nasim Ashraf; team captain, Inzamam-ul-Haq; and team coach, American-born Bob Woolmer.
Let's look at some oversimplifications that I made. Here's what the teams and nations are probably saying right now:
Ireland: "Woo! We won! Let's get smashed!"
Pakistan: "Ireland sucks! This defeat is shameful! If I were Japanese, I would be committing hara-kiri right now! Our entire nation is shamed by Ireland. Shame! Shaaaame!"
Next, let's imagine what would have happened if Pakistan won:
Pakistan: "Ireland sucks! This victory is shameful! We only won 300 to 70! We should have won 300,000,000 to 70! Shame! Shaaaame!"
Ireland: "Woo! We gave it our best shot! Let's get smashed!"
I forgot why I wrote those. But they're funny, so I'll keep them in the story. Anyway, next point.
Needless to say, heads did roll in Pakistan. Board chief Nasim Ashraf resigned soon after, and captain Inzamam-ul-Haq says he will step down after his next game (Pakistan v. Zimbabwe, Wednesday March 21st. I'll tell you the results in another entry). That's two of the three people I mentioned earlier. What happened to head coach Bob Woolmer, who was in Jamaica, relaxing, while the game was being played?
He died.
Yep, Bob Woolmer was found unconscious in his hotel room a few hours after the game ended, in a situation very similar to Anna Nicole Smith's. Unlike Anna Nicole Smith, however, I seem to be the only major news agency giving any attention to the late coach Woolmer.
I'm still waiting for the postmortem to find out how he died, but I've got my suspicions already. Stress from the game's outcome may have caused him to swoon, leaving him half-dead. After that, the potent aroma of Jamaican jerk chicken wafted in from the kitchen, which killed the other half of him, leaving him fully dead. Either that, or angry fans in Pakistan were transmitting hateful brainwaves, which caused an aneurysm. The point is, his death had to do with the outcome of the game. And maybe jerk chicken too.
Games stop being games the moment that fans start being hateful bastards. Like that one Colombian guy from the 1994 FIFA World Cup, who scored an own goal and made his team lose. When he returned to his home country, he was SHOT TWELVE TIMES and left for dead (which he was). Pakistan needs to lighten up when it comes to cricket. Maybe they could borrow a page from Ireland's book. Actually, that's a bad idea. The price of cashmere would plummet if all the cloth reeked of Guinness Draught and sourdough bread. Forget I suggested that particular example, Pakistan, but please do consider being calmer about sports games. No one else is going to be ashamed of your country because you lost a single cricket match to Ireland. Seriously, no one will care. These resignations? The death-brainwaves? Uncalled for. Relearn to enjoy the game, dudes!
And now, the tl;dr version for people with ADD: crazy people, a dead guy, shaaaame, drunk lucky Irishmen, Anna Nicole Smith, jerk chicken. Mmmm, jerk chicken.
Link 1, link 2, link 3, link 4.
